Sometimes our CANA meetings can be "dry," as there is not always a lot of
humor in good government issues. Therefore, to counter balance some of the
humor-less discussions that we have, we have created a "jokes" page.
We hope to post things that will amuse, but not offend, and will keep
the humor clean.
If you want to submit a joke for us to post that meets the above guidelines, please
write. To submit a joke, click here.
|A String walked into a bar and said to the bartender, "Hi, may I
have a glass of Vodka?"
And the bartender said, "No. Sorry, we don't serve
Strings here." and instead of making a scene, the String left the bar and went around
the corner. When he was sure that he was out of view of the bartender, he tied himself in
a knot and ruffled up his top and bottom and returned to the bar.
He went up to the bartender and once again asked the bartender for a glass of Vodka and
the bartender asked "Aren't you the string that just came in here?" and the
String answered "Nope, afraid not!" (a frayed knot)
Kid's Finishing Sayings
A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class
the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest. These are great:
As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You... Mess It Up.
Better Be Safe Than... Punch A 5th Grader.
Strike While The... Bug Is Close.
It's Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time.
Never Under Estimate The Power Of... Termites.
You Can Lead A Horse To Water But.. How?
Don't Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty.
No News Is... Impossible.
A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr.
You Can't Teach An Old Dog New... Math.
If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Stink In The Morning.
Love All, Trust.. Me
The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs.
An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax.
Where There's Smoke, There's... Pollution.
Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents!
A Penny Saved Is... Not Much.
Two's Company, Three's... The Musketeers.
Don't Put Off Tomorrow What... You Put On To Go To Bed.
Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And... You Have To Blow Your Nose.
Children Should Be Seen And Not... Spanked Or Grounded.
If At First You Don't Succeed... Get New Batteries.
You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box.
When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way.
There Is No Fool Like... Aunt Eddie.
Submitted By: Ted Ellis
|While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson
looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the
aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order.
Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and
assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about.
His words and his demeanor seemed to make most of the passengers feel better, and they
sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several
packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.
Each crew member attached the package to their backs.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"
The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was
nothing to worry about?"
"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're
going to get help."
Jumping Off of Buildings
|There are three drunk guys on the Empire State building. One guy says to
the others, "You know if you time it right, you can jump off the building and bounce
right back up." So the other guys say, "Yeah right, let's see."
first guy goes to the edge, jumps off, and bounces right back up. One of the other guys
says, "Hey cool, let me try." So he jumps off and he dies.
Two guys left on the top of the building and the other guy says, "Superman, you're
really cruel when you're drunk."
|A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is
wearing a Jets jersey,helmet and is holding Jets pom poms.
says,"Hey! No pets allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"
The man begs, "Look I am desperate. We're both big fans, my TV is broken, and this
is the only place we can see the game!"
After securing a promise that the dog will behave,and warning him that if there is any
trouble they will be thrown out,the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar
and watch the game.
The game begins with the Jets receiving a kickoff. They march downfield stop at the
30,and kick a field goal.
With that the dog jumps up on the bar,and begins walking up and down the bar giving
everyone a high-five.
The bartender says,"Wow that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen!What does
the dog do if they score a touchdown?"
"I don't know," replies the owner, "I've only had him for four
Submitted By: Anonymous
Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year
they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said " Ya know
Martha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane." and every year Martha
would say "I know Stumpy, but that ihplane ride costs ten dollahs.... and ten
dollahs is ten dollahs." So Stumpy says " By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs
old, if I don't go this time I may nevah go." Martha replies " Stumpy, that
there aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
So the pilot overhears them and says " Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll
take you both up for a ride, if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and
not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten
They agree and up they go.... the pilot does all kinds of twists and
turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard, he does it one more time, still
nothing... so he lands.
He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says " By golly, I did
everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."
And Stumpy replies " Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell
out...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!